Opinion: Mums and the Mental Load Epidemic

We’re conditioned and it starts early

As I sat and thought about it, I’m not laughing, I’m actually kinda pissed. I don’t want to get too cerebral about it, but I think it starts as soon as we can walk and talk. We are given dolls to care for, play kitchens to cook in, toy brooms and dusters to clean up our houses. We are conditioned to be the caregivers, so don’t get me wrong; I’m not begrudging that. I’m happy to take care of my kids and my family. Hell, I like having a tidy house. But how did it become our sole responsibility? 

Let me just pause here to say that my hat is off to those single parents out there doing the job of two parents. I honestly don’t know how you do it. I’ve got mad respect for you. But in my house, there's another parent that could – and should – be doing 50 percent of allll the things. And if I’m being honest, I’m not sure who to blame. Whatever situation we find ourselves in, I think it’s only fair to take ownership of our part in it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. 

We get what we accept

When we become a new mum, it’s a badge of honour to “do it all”. It starts with planning for the arrival of the bundle of joy. We make lists, decorate the rooms, and decide what kind of parenting we’ll subscribe to. Then the baby arrives, and we do the feeding, the 2am nappy changes, the doctor’s visits, the childcare searching, etc. And maybe I shouldn’t say we… I obviously have no insight into your lives, dear reader, but I speak of my own experience. I’ve always been fiercely independent, and, yes, it’s both a flaw in my character and arguably my superpower, but it’s usually my way or the highway. 

My DH (dear husband) is the kindest, most gentle soul, and he lets me take the lead in many ways. So, let me be the first to say that this situation is my creation. Well, that and the patriarchy (see above). DH will ask for lists…he wants direction… he will do whatever I ask, but that just adds to my mental load, ya know? Having to ask him (tell him) what to pack, what to clean, what to schedule, well, that defeats the purpose, and it adds one more thing to my to-do list. And despite his willingness to help, it’s typically not done how I would, so I have to do it again anyway. Did I mention that I’m also a perfectionist? Yup, I can be a real treat.

Speak now or forever hold your peace

I’m clearly a WIP (work in progress), and I don’t pretend to know all the answers to this issue. I guess I want us all to ask for (maybe demand) what we need. Mental health issues in new-and-not-new mums are a genuine issue, and I don’t think it’s unrelated to the mental load that we are carrying.

We expect so much of ourselves, society expects so much of us, and our families expect so much of us. That kind of pressure can have very tragic outcomes if left unchecked. They say you should start out how you wish to continue.

If I could advise my younger self (the one pre-kids), I would say, divide and conquer. Allow your partner to take on their fair share. Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them. I know I’m guilty of taking over from day one. Looking back, I didn’t ask – maybe I didn’t think I could, or I would have judged myself for doing so – and it’s a big regret. I don’t think it’s fair to me, to DH or to our kids.

Knowing better means doing better

I say this as I took over breakfast making because my DH wasn’t doing it exactly how I wanted him to. In my defence, he was going to burn the eggs. Again, I’m a WIP, but we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. And given recent International Women’s Day, it feels very on the nose that I note all the things we can do and how far we have come while also acknowledging that some of us have a little farther to go.